On the eve of Joaquim's 3rd angelversary I am trying to find words to express where I am in my grief process. We have just hung Joaquims twilight star picture on the wall next to his sunset picture from last year. These personalised Carly Marie portraits  (https://www.facebook.com/CarlyMarieProjectHeal?fref=ts )have brought me a lot of peace and comfort. I trace his name with my eyes and imagine them being inscribed in the sand. I repeat his name under my breath over and over. Its as if I have to remind myself that he was here. It seems so long ago that I held him in my arms. Being blessed beyond belief with our rainbow baby, I think of him every moment of my day. I imagine him guiding his little sister in my womb, with her still between the two worlds, she is my link to Joaquim in so many ways. I still miss him every day, and I still have my guilt and anger, but the degree of each is lessoning. My anger at the world is also getting more manageable, and my understanding that no one else can walk this path for me. It is my journey alone.

On this one night, as I prepare to allow the memories of that fatal night to consume me-those memories that  I suppress every other day of the year- I have the comfort of my rainbow baby in my womb and I think I may survive it afterall. With his angelversary falling on the spring equinox I embrace the new begininings and new life that I have been blessed with.
I miss you Joaquim Phoenix deLeca. Always and forever.

"If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song. And if our hands should meet in another dream we shall build another tower in the sky." - Khalil Gibran

Cansa Relay for Life - TEAM JOAQUIM

My eldest son had been growing his hair with a purpose for the last few months. I had read him an article about American Indians and why they grow there hair.  http://www.sott.net/article/234783-The-Truth-About-Hair-and-Why-Indians-Would-Keep-Their-Hair-Long

As a result, he has been really attached to his hair, and so the decision to donate it all to Cansa for them to make a wig for a cancer survivor was one he did not make lightly. He did it for his brother!

A few days after the shaveathon, we were contacted by a reporter from our local newspaper who wanted to interview my son, and hear Joaquim's story from a brothers perspective. The reporter told us about an upcoming event called "Relay for life", a 24 hr event, where you walk through the night to candlelight in remembrance to those who lost the fight, and in celebration of those who are still fighting. We only had 2 weeks to get a team together and raise the funds so I set to work immediatly calling on all my friends and family for support.

This past week has been bitter sweet. As I devoted my energies to this cause, I realised that a box of emotions that I had somehow tucked away safely deep inside my heart started to open. All the flashbacks, dreams and memories started to pour out. My self preservation mechanism has been to remember Joaquim everyday, but to avoid thinking too much about the details around his death because I just couldnt bear the pain anymore. But there has been no hiding away from it this week. Here I am, raising money to support a cause to save people where my baby could not be saved. A daily reminder of the cancer that stole my baby. It has been really hard. I have been waiting for time to heal my pain, but it just seems more amplified. The anger has not subsided, it is so much more intence. I have withdrawn within myself, and hate any form of social gathering. I just seem to be pretending all the time that life is good. I miss my boy everyday, and the pain I feel is excrutiating. It has been 18 months already. Life is somehow managing to go on, but everyday feels like groundhog day to me!

So the question is : WHY? Why do we do this? Why did my son grow his hair, only to shave it off in memory of his brother for a good cause. Why am I picking off the scabs of my heart, and pouring salt on them as I prepare for the walk. Why expose ourselves to so much pain?

We do it to keep his memory alive. We do it so we can say his name out loud. Write them in huge letters across a banner for the world to see. So that the world does not forget about this beautiful boy who changed our lives so much.

I hope that by doing this walk, I can get a little bit closer to working through my pain. So, thank you everyone for the support and for the donations to Cansa, and bear with me, please, I am doing the best I can.

Day 30 - Tell the world