Monday, September 22, 2014

On the eve of Joaquim's 3rd angelversary I am trying to find words to express where I am in my grief process. We have just hung Joaquims twilight star picture on the wall next to his sunset picture from last year. These personalised Carly Marie portraits  ( )have brought me a lot of peace and comfort. I trace his name with my eyes and imagine them being inscribed in the sand. I repeat his name under my breath over and over. Its as if I have to remind myself that he was here. It seems so long ago that I held him in my arms. Being blessed beyond belief with our rainbow baby, I think of him every moment of my day. I imagine him guiding his little sister in my womb, with her still between the two worlds, she is my link to Joaquim in so many ways. I still miss him every day, and I still have my guilt and anger, but the degree of each is lessoning. My anger at the world is also getting more manageable, and my understanding that no one else can walk this path for me. It is my journey alone.

On this one night, as I prepare to allow the memories of that fatal night to consume me-those memories that  I suppress every other day of the year- I have the comfort of my rainbow baby in my womb and I think I may survive it afterall. With his angelversary falling on the spring equinox I embrace the new begininings and new life that I have been blessed with.
I miss you Joaquim Phoenix deLeca. Always and forever.

"If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song. And if our hands should meet in another dream we shall build another tower in the sky." - Khalil Gibran