better days

I woke up with full blown flu. I guess its an external manifestation of whats happening inside me. But I also woke up with a ray of sunshine poking through the clouds. I received some very inspiring emails from my new friends who have been on this road a little longer than I have been.
Looking at pictures of my beautiful boy this morning, I am reminded of all the gifts he brought. The pure love, the forgiveness, patience, understanding. I was tempted to remove the poem that I wrote yesterday, but I have decided to leave it there for now. It is all part of this journey. The feelings of anger will undoubtedly be there, and I embrace them as obstacles that I need to cross. Forgiveness will come in time.

I started writing a diary when Joaquim was in hospital, and it became a sacred place to pour my heart out into once he passed over.

I would like to share my first entry, that I wrote on the 7th of August 2011, it was a sunday morning.

" My Darling Joaquim,
You are 15 days old today. I am holding you in my arms in the high care ward of the Johannesburg General Hospital.
We have just fed you 25mls of lovingly expressed breastmilk, and you are in a peaceful sleep as I rock you.

What an incredible journey you have had so far my angel. You surprised me when the labour began, I thought we still had 2 weeks to go. On the friday 22nd July, you were lying with your spine on mine, but you turned around during labour. Incredible!

Your birth was a dream. We played calm music, vanilla candles lit, Isabella danced with me during the contractions. You were born with 3 pushes, into the loving hands of your daddy, and then onto my chest.
Isabella was so excited to watch you being born. She called the boys immediatly to come and meet you!

 So many people wanted to meet you when they heard that you were born.
Aunty Natalie was there with Savvy and Daniel. Nanan came just after. Uncle Christo and Ouma, Shelly, Shayle and Erin.
We held you for 3 days not leaving the bedroom. We held onto the bubble of peace and love that you had brought with you!

On wednesday, my angel, we named you Joaquim Phoenix deLeca.

On wednesday night you gave us such a scare. We thought you were battling to breathe, and we took you to hospital where they x-rayed your little chest and diagnosed bronchial phnemonia.

On thursday, an ambulance took you and me to the JHB Gen.
You were placed in NICU and on a ventillator. We have watched you get better each day, so strong, so brave, our fighter.

So many prayers, and so much love, light, angels and energy have been sent to you from so many people from all over the world. Gods hand has held you the whole way!

PHOENIX- Rise from the ashes- Stronger than before.

We wait for the results of the anomily they discovered in your soft palette.

I ache to feed you!
But you are getting my milk through a tube in your nose and I hold you while it fills your tummy!

You have filled my heart with an unbelievable capacity to love, and you have given me the strength and patience I never knew I had!

Phoenix flame

down you came

from above

perfect love

hung up your wings

earth angels sing

for the gifts you will bring!

shift

 January of 1997, I had just been through  a typical teenage rebellion stage.
As a last resort to get me to wake up from my self destructive lifestyle, my parents had sent me to live with my sister for a while. I had been with her for a few weeks and she was at the end of her first pregnancy. I remember sitting in the bath with her one night, and I felt her baby move inside her tummy. That moment stands out to me as one of the most magical turning points in my life. I could feel a shift happening in my consciousness, it fizzeled right through me and settled deep in my heart. This mindblowing concept that a life was forming inside her made me re-evaluate every aspect of my life. I was blessed to be with her when her contractions started and I sat with her in the hospital as the nurses attached all sorts of wires to her belly. We were both so young, and had no other experience to draw upon as far as childbirth was concerned, but doing it together for me was an unforgettable experience. Her husband arrived shortly before delivery, and he took over as they wheeled her into the delivery room. Hearing the first cries of my beautiful nephew from the hospital corridor brought tears of joy to my eyes. The nurses wrapped him up and layed him on her chest, and she began to breastfeed him...............This is what life was about! This was my purpose here! Would God possibly bless me with this ultimate gift of being able to bring a child of my own into this world?
My parents had bought me a diary that christmas, on one side it said "bad days", that was the side I had written all of my entries. The other side said "good days", my first entry on that side, and every single entry thereafter, was the day my nephew was born.