Breastfeeding challenges PART 1

Giving up was not an option!
At 3 days old you were admitted to NICU (Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit), where they put you on a ventillator and stopped your feeds. I didnt think to pump that day with all of the stress of fighting for your life. I even remember getting engorged, and hand pumping almost 200mls and stupidly throwing it in the sink so that I could wash out the handheld breastpump. I guess in my mind, I always believed that any moment you would wake up and feed directly from my breast..
But that never happened!

After a few days, you woke up, they took you off the ventillator, and I was asked to provide 5mls of milk. I was so excited!
Each feed they increased by 5mls, until you were on 25mls.
I remember pumping every 2 hrs, and putting it in the fridge.
One day, a careless nurse threw away almost 500mls that I had labeled and put in the hospital fridge. I was totally devastated. It was getting harder and harder to keep up a supply, so I asked the Dr if I could hold you and see if that would stimulate the let down reflex. To my utter amazement, he said I could try to get you to latch directly from the breast.
What a precious memory for me to have today, I didnt know at the time that it would be the last time that you ever drank your fill from my breast.

I held you in my arms, and even though it had been over a week since you had latched, you eagerly took my nipple and nursed so beautifully. I felt the let down reflex, pulling up from my toes, and it was glorious!

You even switched to the next breast and drank and drank. Fro that small moment in time, everything felt normal, the white bright hospital faded away and it was just you and I, wrapped in a mother baby embrace as old as time.
You fell asleep in my arms and I remember breathing sosofly, barely moving, not making eye contact with any of the nursing staff, petrified that they would take you from me again.
I had not held you in 7 days!!!

A young male doctor came in to the ward and said that you were ready to be transfered to High Care. He took you from my arms, to prepare you for the move, but then he nticed that your stomach had become distended.
They said that your body was not ready for such large feeds and that I would not be allowed to feed you from the breast again so that they could moniter the quantities of milk that you received.
They took you off feeds again for another day until your tummy had gone down again.
I felt so guilty for being the cause of your distended tummy. If I had not been so eager to feed you, maybe we could have had more moments at the breast for shorter periods of time.
You went back onto 5mls a feed! AndI went back to pumping with my hand held pump every 2 hrs.